Moms Don’t Get Sick

It’s not fair that I have cancer. It’s not fair that my husband has to watch as each treatment pushes my body to its breaking point. It’s not fair that my kids have to fight for time with their mommy in between her doctor visits, treatments, and scans. It’s just not fair. People see me smile through this or crack jokes about my cancer but that’s because I have to choose to smile. On the inside, I am spiraling. I think “how long do I have?” Or “what will I get to see and what will I miss?”. I watch others as they post their daily adventures or vacations and I selfishly cannot wrap my head around why I am in a place in my life where I cannot do those thing. I get on my knees as I cup my hands till my knuckles are white as I pray to God with questions I may never have answers to. Until it hits me. Even if I knew why, would it change how I handle this? if someone was able to break down exactly why I got a rare form of breast cancer at 28 years old, I couldn’t go back in time to prevent it and it wouldn’t change my fight to beat it.

Growing up and to this day, my dad’s famous words are “don’t worry about it. We’ll figure it out”. When he would say that I would want to yell back “how can you not worry?! What if we don’t figure it out?!” And sometimes we didn’t. BUT even if it didn’t work out or if it did, I realized worrying about it didn’t change the out come. I could spend each and everyday focusing on the things I may miss in the future if I can’t beat this or I could be present in the things I am here for. If I focus on the future, I’m missing out on what I’m here for right now. I got to watch my husband walk across the stage as he celebrates graduating from residency. I sat in the crowd with my baby chick hair and my flat chest. I had rushed here from my radiation treatment with sunburned skin and sharpie circles on my scars from where they mapped out my next phase of treatment…but I’m here. I get to watch my man smile as he moves to the next stage of his journey that we have worked the last seven years to achieve. When I was diagnosed last November, we weren’t certain we would make it to this graduation but, in the words of Curt Quigley, we figured it out. You can celebrate the milestones even if you’re unsure of how many you’ll be able to witness in the future. You can do it all, with or without cancer.

Now as I write all this, know that I am HEAVILY medicated for anxiety. So half of this is my positive attitude and half of this is the help of my local food lion pharmacist. I allow myself to be mad or sad or devastated about what is happening. I let myself want to punch a wall, scream, or cry as I look at a picture of my former self. It’s healthy to let those emotions out but not to over take you. Sometimes getting those scary thoughts out and acknowledging them helps you move past them. If I were to pretend to be positive and smiley all the time, I would explode. It’s just taking the bad thoughts and seeking the good that overcomes it. I just want my fellow cancer thrivers to know that cancer doesn’t get to attack our bodies AND ruin our moments. We can choose to be bigger than our cancer. Sometimes I will find myself not thinking about my cancer and I have this sudden fear as if not thinking about it will allow the cancer to win. If I let my guard down, the cancer will sense it and take that chance to kill me. Which is ridiculous because obviously it doesn’t work that way but that is a crazy thought I have. I honestly think the constant worry will take more time off my life than the actual cancer!

I don’t want to look back on my life and see that my worry of what could happen overshadowed the blessings I had. Yes, I have stage four cancer BUT I have much more than that. I have a partner who I adore and still get butterflies for when he smiles at me. I have three kids who I have a unique and special relationship with. I have a mom, dad, and brother who would move mountains for me. I have in laws who see me as their actual daugther/sister. I have friends who let me be my true self and mean the world to me. I am not just my cancer diagnosis. I am Katie Strobel.