I got pregnant with Claire when Maggie was 15 months old. We were in our second year of medical school holding on to every cent and hadn’t slept in what felt like years. Sam was working his ass off and I had opened our tiny two bedroom apartment to another kid Maggie’s age for extra money. When those two pink lines popped up, we were thrilled then reality set in. Two kids in diapers, one dad in medical school, and one mom already hanging on by a thread.
Fast forward 10 months, we had moved to be closer to our families and had two under two. Sam was driving an hour to and from work every day and I was struggling with postpartum anxiety and a baby with colic. Claire. Never. Slept. From 8 pm to midnight, Claire needed to be not only held but moving constantly or would scream. I would be up all night with her and then wake up at 6:30 am with Maggie for the day. Sam wouldn’t sleep because we were all in one room and then had to work the next day. We fought like no other. It was the first and only time I really thought our marriage was doomed. All because of a ten pound baby who couldn’t lift her own head.One night I finally said to Sam, “are we getting a divorce?” and he said to me “it’s not you. It’s her. I don’t think I like her”. As a parent, there are moments where you love your children but you really don’t like them. At nine months old, Claire finally stopped the night time circus of crying and having to bounce her for hours. Overnight, she went from a baby who could not be pleased to a smiling little girl with a whole lot of personality. That personality would blossom into our crazy, stubborn, strong-willed Claire. Claire is an old soul who loves to snuggle. Sam might have said he didn’t like her in the beginning but would soon realize it was the sleep deprivation he didn’t like.
Claire has always been able to feel the emotions in a room. Sometimes she uses that superpower for good and will snuggle with me when I really need it. Other times, she sees her parents struggling and says let me trip the baby and see if it breaks them. At four years old, Claire knew the minute Sam and I got home after being told about my cancer that something was wrong. Sam swept the girls upstairs so that I could break the news to my mom and Claire wasn’t having it. She gave us about five minutes before she came back downstairs to sit in my lap. For the rest of the day, she wouldn’t let me leave her sight.That night I laid in bed wide awake, I heard a door open in the hallway. Small feet quickly shuffled into our room and I heard Claire’s tiny voice say “Mommy, I need snuggles”. As she crawled in bed with me, I thought to myself…me too, baby.
When we told the girls that mommy was sick, Claire was the one with the most questions. A few days later, she looked up at me and said “are you better yet?”. I felt my throat tighten because this little girl who I use to walk around for hours to get her comfortable as I felt like I was breaking, was now the only thing bringing me strength. I knew I was going to fight with everything inside of me to one day answer her with yes.Every morning, Claire will come into my room and ask me if I feel okay today and if I’m coming downstairs. She’s four. She’s four years old and she has to see the one person who has comforted her from day one unable to leave her bed. Cancer sucks. Cancer doesn’t care about the damage it inflicts on families or children. We don’t realize how in tune our kids are with what’s happening around them. I pray that my kids will just remember this as the days that mommy was bald. For Maggie, she has a life. Yes, at six years old, she has a life. She goes to school with her friends, she has dance class, and she’s becoming her own person. Bo loves anyone with a tasty treat and a ball. Claire has Mommy.
What Claire may never know is how she has pushed me to get through this. When she asks me if I’m coming downstairs, even if I still feel like death, I get up. I could lay sick in bed wondering how this is happening to me or I could go downstairs on the couch and show Claire that I’m going to get through this. I have said before that my kids are the push helping me fight this. I hope one day they realize how much they did for me during this. I hope one day Claire never has to worry about where mommy is or if mommy is feeling good today. I will just be there.
Moms Don’t Get Sick 
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