Moms Don’t Get Sick

Picture a cancer patient in your head.

Did you see a thin, bald, sick looking person who was maybe sitting in a hospital bed or receiving treatment? Did you picture someone with hollow cheeks and a weak body? I am not saying this is wrong but this is what I call movie cancer. Movies, tv shows, books, etc show or describe people with cancer where they are thin, sick, and bald. I, myself, would have also thought this was the common look for someone with cancer before I had experienced it myself. That’s why when my body started to look nothing close to that description, I was very confused.

When I went through my first round of chemotherapy at the beginning of this nightmare, I was sick, bald, and thinner than when I started treatment. That was four months of my cancer journey. I have now been receiving a different type of chemotherapy for the last six months where I have kept my hair, I am able to function during symptoms, and I have gained weight. To a random stranger, you would have no idea that I am battling metastatic breast cancer. You wouldn’t know that I am receiving chemotherapy every three weeks. I am just a curvy girl with a pixie cut. I am not what you think of when you think of someone fighting cancer.

This is where I admit something that I am embarrassed about. When I see people who haven’t seen me in a while or when I post a picture of myself on social media, I want to say “I’ve gained weight from chemo, I’m not just overweight”. I have been battling cancer for over a year. I fought so hard that I am now in REMISSION from that cancer. I thought I was going to die and leave my family behind multiple times through this and my biggest concern is people thinking I just let myself go. How fucked up is that? I out ran death for the time being and I am focused on my newest chin and my love handles in my leggings. I DON’T HAVE BREAST ANYMORE but I am concerned about what the scale is saying. I looked at the grim riper and said take a hike buddy but the fact that my ass is slightly bigger is giving me anxiety.

Body image issues are huge in cancer thrivers and survivors but not for obvious reasons. The obvious ones are losing our hair or breast but those also seem to come with the connection to fighting cancer. It’s the things that don’t scream cancer patient that are harder to deal with. These thoughts I have about how I look are hard to handle because part of me says I am allowed to be mad about my appearance. My cells randomly one day said let’s spice shit up and my entire life was flipped upside down and I should be able to be angry about that. The other part of me says bitch buy a size up in pants and be happy you are alive. But when does “just be happy you’re alive” stop being a motivational expression and a way to suppress myself from feeling my very valid emotions.

I went to visit my sister in law recently who just had her second baby. Her first daughter was 19 months when she brought home her newborn and I could connect with her on how overwhelming that is because I brought home Claire a week before Maggie’s second birthday. As I watched her nurse the baby and have her one year old climb all over her I knew exactly how she felt in that moment. I remember nursing Claire while Maggie laid across my legs as my body was still recovering from making and delivering a human being. I remember how the days were a blur because you were just trying to keep yourself and everyone alive. The laundry wasn’t done. A home cooked meal was unheard of. Showers were a luxury. I ran on coffee and ice cream for months. I was in the phase of my life to be a new mom. Did the laundry eventually get done? Yes Did I start cooking and showering again? of course I did. But I was in a place where those things needed to take a back seat to be able to survive. I wasn’t in a place where I would be put together and arrive on time to things. I see that now but when I was in the thick of it, I panicked about all the things that weren’t getting done as I was struggling to keep my head above water. I saw my sister in law being an amazing mother to her two daughters and I wouldn’t think twice if she canceled a play date because she is overwhelmed or if she didn’t text back for days. I see that she is in a season of life where her focus is those babies. So why can’t I give myself the same grace in what I am going through?

I write this not having an answer for how to handle this. I am writing about it to let others who are fighting cancer know that we don’t always look like the “ideal” cancer patient. I did for four months at the beginning of this journey. I had the knit hats on to keep my bald head warm, I was sick and throwing up for days, and I had lost weight. Now, I am still fighting cancer but I am growing out my hair, able to participate in my normal life activities, and I have gained weight. I know there is not a single person looking at me and thinking “well she beat cancer but wow she’s definitely gained weight”. I know that people see me and think she is surviving. She is putting all her energy into beating this cancer. Cancer doesn’t look like just one thing. I am working towards being comfortable in knowing this is not the time to be a crossfit badass or training for a marathon. Which, lets be honest, has never been something I planned to do but what I mean is I don’t need to focus on my meals or exercise because that is not what’s important right now. I am in a place in my life where I am working towards getting myself better. My therapist said this is the season of life where I am receiving treatment, I am having symptoms, and my body is different. But, there is an end in sight. I have four more rounds of chemo until I get to take a break and that’s when I get to choose how to move forward. I have to give my body and myself grace. She’s doing her best even if she got us into this mess.