Moms Don’t Get Sick

After 9 hours of sitting in a chair, I was told I was now a step closer to beating this and sent on my way. I was told symptoms would probably start within a few days. Being the foodie I am, I was praying they wouldn’t start until Friday because Thursday was Thanksgiving. I had been dreaming of green bean casseroles, mashed potatoes, and warm, fluffy biscuits for weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn’t so lucky.

When I got home from chemo, I noticed it started to burn when I peed. I figured this was just another symptom and it would stop when the chemo had been flushed from my body. Just to be sure, I messaged my nurse to check that this was a normal thing. I quickly received a response that this was not a normal symptom and I was probably experiencing a UTI. Perfect. I was waiting for a binder full of symptoms and my body decided to add in one more thing. I had to quickly figure out if this was a UTI and get antibiotics for it before the holidays. Thankfully, my home doctor (my husband) was able to get me an appointment at his work and my nurse’s concern was correct. On top of everything, I had a UTI. Normally a UTI is just an annoying thing that you take your meds for and it’s gone in a complete of days. As you may have realized by now, my body is a pain in the ass and never does anything normal. I had a history of getting UTIs and them turning into a kidney infection that at times had ended me up in the hospital. With my immune symptom about to take a hit, this was something we needed to avoid at all costs.

Even with the new bump in the road, I continued to pretend that I was going to have zero symptoms but gave into my husband’s request not to force myself to make thanksgiving dinner. We had decided to go to his parent’s house instead. By Wednesday, I was tired but nothing I couldn’t handle. I was hopeful this would be the most of it but then Thursday came. I put on a brave face that morning even though I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I was slightly nauseous and dizzy but I didn’t want to ruin thanksgiving.

One thing I have learned from this experience is no one will ever be mad at you for having cancer. Do not hide your struggles from your loved ones because they will always understand and want what’s best for you. I finally had to admit to myself and to my family I was not strong enough to go to a thanksgiving celebration. As I sat in the recliner downstairs, I tried to be with my family on this holiday while I knew my body was slowly being taken over by the chemo. My amazing husband took the kids to go find an open restaurant to have some form of dinner. You would think Thanksgiving of 2022 would be known as the Thanksgiving Mommy had cancer but to my girls it will be known as the Thanksgiving we got to have McDonalds for dinner.

I was slowly nibbling on french fries when my stomach finally did the flip that let me know it was time to get sick. I jumped up out of the chair and ran upstairs. I had no idea then that my bathroom was about to become my home for the next four days. Thursday was the beginning of the weekend from hell. Between the nausea, diarrhea, and fatigue, I became a limp noodle version of myself. It got so bad, Sam put a twin mattress in the bathroom so I could lay down and sleep in there. My symptoms were kicked into hyper drive because my antibodics for my UTI needed to be taken with food and never on an empty stomach. The chemo was now working with the UTI medication to completely kick my ass.

My girls were now watching their mommy lay on the bathroom floor with her eyes shut and a low moan constantly leaving my lips. I was convinced I was dying. This was round one of six and there was no way I could do this five more times. Sam would come lay with me on the floor and rub my back when he could. He made sure I was on top of my medication to help with my UTI and chemo symptoms. My mother came up to find me crying in a ball and asking for her to hold me. I pride myself on being a strong, independent woman who could handle anything that was thrown at her. I was no match for this.

Claire came to me at one point to say goodnight and she asked me “are you okay, mommy?”. As I fought tears, I told her I wasn’t feeling myself but I would be better soon. She then asked if she could snuggle with me on my twin bathroom bed. I nodded and she crawled up next to me and put my arm around her. I was supposed to be her comfort and here she was at four years old being her mother’s support. Cancer had changed our rolls and I was so worried this would scare her for life.

I would spend four straight days in the bathroom on the verge of vomiting and having constant diarrhea. I was severely dehydrated and had lost 15 pounds in a matter of days. I could not wrap my head around how all of this was going to result in me being recurred of the thing in my body trying to kill me. It’s hard to think that the only way to get rid of your cancer is to poison yourself and make yourself sicker. Cancer is stupid and does not make sense but you all already know that.

By Monday, I was finally able to leave the bathroom and sleep in my own bed. I was about to sit downstairs and be around my family. I was still having diarrhea but I was able to move around in between visits to the bathroom. My doctor was concerned about my weight loss but told me this round was brutal because of the UTI on top of it. He reassured me this would not be the usual severity of symptoms, which I was happy to find out was true. My next few rounds of chemotherapy symptoms would never be as bad as round one but I will never forget how awful it was.

I have had three kids and two of the three births would have killed me had I not had modern medicine. I have broken bones, I have been hospitalized for kidney infections, and I was a musical theater kid in a sports driven high school. But chemo has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Physically, my body was pushed to its lowest point and I have experienced most of the symptoms I was warned about. I spend four to five days in bed battling these symptoms when I would much rather be with my kids. But the hardest thing about this entire experience is what it does to you mentally and emotionally. My babies have to see me on the bathroom floor unable to lift my head. My husband and mother have to watch me go through these symptoms and have no way of fixing me. I go through days of hell but then will one day wake up and for the most part will feel like myself again which is a complete mind fuck. For a week before my next round of chemo, I start to feel normal and feel like I go back to life before cancer. I have enough energy to be mom and Sam’s wife. I’m able to bake and help around the house. I get to pick up the kids from school and put them to bed. I do all this but I know my normal life time is numbered because come chemo day it starts all over again.

I know I will soon be back in bed feeling like I’m dying from the inside out. I miss out on life with my family and I have such guilt knowing I’m not being the mommy I need to be. Chemotherapy is not just the medicine to fix cancer, it is the medicine that puts your life on hold. I am about to start symptoms for the sixth time but the last time and I pray I never have to do this again.

Recently asked my oncologist how badly a double mastectomy recovery would be and he answered with “it’s nothing like chemo”. I am going to have both breast removed, several lymph nodes, and possibly a large area of my chest skin and THAT is going to be easier than going through chemo. How insane is that? How absurd is it that I am looking forward to someone cutting me open and removing my breasts over four bags of medication.

My chemotherapy journey is coming to a close but I will never forget the fight I fought through this experience. I will never forget my loved ones who got me through it. I am so proud of myself for not giving up and I have to give so much credit to my husband who told me “yes you can” when I was sobbing “no I can’t”.

Cancer is a loaded word. We all know it’s a bad word but until you experience this illness, you never know what all goes into beating it. I am on my way to beating this but that does not mean I am done fighting cancer. I will make it a large part of my life to advocate for women who have been diagnosed. I want to continue to bring awareness to this journey I’ve been through. I will never stop fighting to be a survivor and I will never stop showing the good, the bad, and the ugly.